Its 10pm in the General. I am struggling to straighten myself into a position for some sleep on the sweaty plastic NHS mattress, complete with boiled-to- death holey sheet that no longer really fits and a blanket so static charged you could power up the tea trolley to deliver the drinks to the whole ward on its own....
Just drifting off I am suddenly awoken to the clunking of beds, doors and footsteps.
Opposite, under the dimmed patient light, there is a new elderly lady- sound asleep in her bed with drips, plastic pipes and and enormous collection of cards and various bags Mary Poppins would envy, being loudly installed. She looked rather sweet tucked up in her bed, rather like the old lady Kate Winslet's character became at the end of Titanic. Bless!
I should have guessed something was up when the nurse on departure patted the end of me bed and said "Good luck dear!"
It's now nearly 11pm. The nurses turn off the lights and the witching hour descends.....
Suddenly I am aware of clunking about in the corner. I sit up and crack open one bleary eye. Oh my! Mrs Titanic (I shall name in the films honour) is sat up bolt upright hanging onto the bars of her bed for dear life. "Hold on girlie" she shouts, "We're going over the top!"
Mrs Titanic clearly thinks we are going over the rapids at some pace as she wraps her NHS property stamped nightie tightly around her. (That always makes me smile- why do they print "NHS property" over those hideous backless nightshirts with the cotton straps half hanging off that countless old biddies have adorned themselves prior to you?!)
"Thank GAWD for that" interrupts my thoughts, I notice that Mrs Titanic has obviously cleared the rapids and has noticed the nurses call bell and she is mystified. Tentatively pawing at it and slowly unwinding it from round the side of her bed she mutters that she has got a "thingy whatsit at long bloody last"
She attempts to lick it in case it is a lollipop and then realising there is a long wire attached immediately decides it is a phone and she needs to ring her long lost sister in Canada.
As the wittering to Canada is softly continuing sleep begins to overtake me...
Then, piercing the darkness in a thick, Italian accent:
"Hello, Mrs Titanic! I'm a doctor, I need to take some blood, is that OK?"
"Oh yes! but get on with it- I need to get this washing out!"
"OK, I'm putting on this tightly now"
"Owwww OOOOOOOuch"
"I'll be quick now- try and keep that arm still" and as I watch the needle going in....
"OOOOOOOOOuch!"
"DON'T MOVE THAT ARM"
"I am gonna move me arm, it pissin' well 'urts- now f*** orff!"
I'm afraid I must admit to stuffing some of me sheet in my mouth to disguise my sniggers.
Damn she is funny, its 2am and she has just uttered the immortal phrase all us patients have wanted to say every time someone digs about mining for the ellusive bloods...
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Posted by
Jblacey
Its 10pm in the General. I am struggling to straighten myself into a position for some sleep on the sweaty plastic NHS mattress, complete with boiled-to- death holey sheet that no longer really fits and a blanket so static charged you could power up the tea trolley to deliver the drinks to the whole ward on its own....
Just drifting off I am suddenly awoken to the clunking of beds, doors and footsteps.
Opposite, under the dimmed patient light, there is a new elderly lady- sound asleep in her bed with drips, plastic pipes and and enormous collection of cards and various bags Mary Poppins would envy, being loudly installed. She looked rather sweet tucked up in her bed, rather like the old lady Kate Winslet's character became at the end of Titanic. Bless!
I should have guessed something was up when the nurse on departure patted the end of me bed and said "Good luck dear!"
It's now nearly 11pm. The nurses turn off the lights and the witching hour descends.....
Suddenly I am aware of clunking about in the corner. I sit up and crack open one bleary eye. Oh my! Mrs Titanic (I shall name in the films honour) is sat up bolt upright hanging onto the bars of her bed for dear life. "Hold on girlie" she shouts, "We're going over the top!"
Mrs Titanic clearly thinks we are going over the rapids at some pace as she wraps her NHS property stamped nightie tightly around her. (That always makes me smile- why do they print "NHS property" over those hideous backless nightshirts with the cotton straps half hanging off that countless old biddies have adorned themselves prior to you?!)
"Thank GAWD for that" interrupts my thoughts, I notice that Mrs Titanic has obviously cleared the rapids and has noticed the nurses call bell and she is mystified. Tentatively pawing at it and slowly unwinding it from round the side of her bed she mutters that she has got a "thingy whatsit at long bloody last"
She attempts to lick it in case it is a lollipop and then realising there is a long wire attached immediately decides it is a phone and she needs to ring her long lost sister in Canada.
As the wittering to Canada is softly continuing sleep begins to overtake me...
Then, piercing the darkness in a thick, Italian accent:
"Hello, Mrs Titanic! I'm a doctor, I need to take some blood, is that OK?"
"Oh yes! but get on with it- I need to get this washing out!"
"OK, I'm putting on this tightly now"
"Owwww OOOOOOOuch"
"I'll be quick now- try and keep that arm still" and as I watch the needle going in....
"OOOOOOOOOuch!"
"DON'T MOVE THAT ARM"
"I am gonna move me arm, it pissin' well 'urts- now f*** orff!"
I'm afraid I must admit to stuffing some of me sheet in my mouth to disguise my sniggers.
Damn she is funny, its 2am and she has just uttered the immortal phrase all us patients have wanted to say every time someone digs about mining for the ellusive bloods...
Just drifting off I am suddenly awoken to the clunking of beds, doors and footsteps.
Opposite, under the dimmed patient light, there is a new elderly lady- sound asleep in her bed with drips, plastic pipes and and enormous collection of cards and various bags Mary Poppins would envy, being loudly installed. She looked rather sweet tucked up in her bed, rather like the old lady Kate Winslet's character became at the end of Titanic. Bless!
I should have guessed something was up when the nurse on departure patted the end of me bed and said "Good luck dear!"
It's now nearly 11pm. The nurses turn off the lights and the witching hour descends.....
Suddenly I am aware of clunking about in the corner. I sit up and crack open one bleary eye. Oh my! Mrs Titanic (I shall name in the films honour) is sat up bolt upright hanging onto the bars of her bed for dear life. "Hold on girlie" she shouts, "We're going over the top!"
Mrs Titanic clearly thinks we are going over the rapids at some pace as she wraps her NHS property stamped nightie tightly around her. (That always makes me smile- why do they print "NHS property" over those hideous backless nightshirts with the cotton straps half hanging off that countless old biddies have adorned themselves prior to you?!)
"Thank GAWD for that" interrupts my thoughts, I notice that Mrs Titanic has obviously cleared the rapids and has noticed the nurses call bell and she is mystified. Tentatively pawing at it and slowly unwinding it from round the side of her bed she mutters that she has got a "thingy whatsit at long bloody last"
She attempts to lick it in case it is a lollipop and then realising there is a long wire attached immediately decides it is a phone and she needs to ring her long lost sister in Canada.
As the wittering to Canada is softly continuing sleep begins to overtake me...
Then, piercing the darkness in a thick, Italian accent:
"Hello, Mrs Titanic! I'm a doctor, I need to take some blood, is that OK?"
"Oh yes! but get on with it- I need to get this washing out!"
"OK, I'm putting on this tightly now"
"Owwww OOOOOOOuch"
"I'll be quick now- try and keep that arm still" and as I watch the needle going in....
"OOOOOOOOOuch!"
"DON'T MOVE THAT ARM"
"I am gonna move me arm, it pissin' well 'urts- now f*** orff!"
I'm afraid I must admit to stuffing some of me sheet in my mouth to disguise my sniggers.
Damn she is funny, its 2am and she has just uttered the immortal phrase all us patients have wanted to say every time someone digs about mining for the ellusive bloods...
Category:
Doctor,
General,
Kate Winslet,
Nurse,
Titanic,
Ward
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